Where to start?
Already I can feel myself going into struggle – at trying to find the “right” way to language how I feel. To write and share the swirl of emotions going around and around: sadness, grief, anger, frustration, peace, love and many more I can’t name.
And mainly sadness – a huge welling of grief as I realise how this virus is opening me up and shining a light on my own core wound in a way that surprises me.
Writing is my go-to for healing.
Through writing I gain clarity. I often never know what I’m about to write when I sit down at my keyboard. So many of my blog posts start out: where to begin? And as I allow the words to flow something appears.
I am taken on a journey, meandering, veering off track as I begin to pull on a thread and explore it.
Writing to you is very different to journaling for myself. And I feel such a strong calling to share my writing.
Yet that calling to share has always been connected to my business. To write blog posts and articles with the purpose of gaining clients.
There’s a structure to such posts – a structure I rebel against. The teenager in me stamps her feet and says “No! I won’t do it”. Yet I know structure supports me.
But what type of structure? As my fingers type I know I am taking you on a walk. A walk through my mind. I don’t know where I’m headed or what the end point will be – all I know is the scenery will be beautiful and there will be something magical at the end.
I want to experience it and I want to share it with you.
My desire to share is huge. It’s an outpouring of love I want to gift to the world.
And I’m afraid.
I’m afraid you won’t like it.
I’m afraid you’ll look at the scenery and won’t see the beauty of a brown ploughed field in the way I do. The luscious richness of the earth being prepared to grow our food. Food that will nourish and sustain us.
I’m afraid I will say something wrong.
That I will be ignorant of how you are feeling right now. That I will be celebrating something that causes you pain. If I were with you I would know your pain – I wouldn’t share the way I see it. I would know that you are hurting and right now you need to feel.
There are two sides to everything. We have a front of a hand and a back of a hand – and we cannot see both at the same time. When we are in pain we want to lash out, vent our hurt.
I get it.
And I want to be that sounding board and be there for you to feel and heal.
Thousands of students have been launched into uncertainty as their exams have been cancelled. Children and teenagers about to leave school, looking forward to the celebrations that accompanying that. All that taken away from them. My heart breaks for them – for their swirl of emotions as they navigate these troubles waters.
And I think of my son. We elected to home school just before he turned 15 because he was struggling so much in school with the looming pressure of GCSE’s. Coronavirus would have been a blessing to him.
Yet how do I write and encompass all sides?
I’ve tried – and I get tangled up in knots. I sit for hours at the keyboard, staring at what I’ve written, editing and re-editing so I don’t offend someone.
I look at it from every angle so I can encompass all perspectives.
And right now as I write I am getting stuck – my words have stopped flowing because I am thinking about how this will be received by someone hurting right now.
I feel a tightness in my chest, I want to cry, I want to run away, abandon this post. Not share it – because what’s the point? It’s just adding to the noise.
The point is I’ve written it to share with you.
Do I abandon it just because it’s a bit rambly, doesn’t go anywhere?
That I shouldn’t bother you with it?
That because it’s a personal musing it’s not appropriate as a blog post? I’m sure there will be many who think I shouldn’t publish this as a blog as it’s not professional.
But when we sell transformation our business and our personal life are so deeply intertwined. I don’t want to have to hide a part of myself because it’s not deemed appropriate.
We live in a world of masks – where we hide how we truly feel because we believe we have to show up a certain way.
12 months ago I made a commitment to be fully seen.
How can I be fully seen if I keep hidden the very part of me that wants to heard?
If I listen to that voice that says “Melina, what are you saying, what’s the purpose of this post?”
There is no purpose other than to share my heart.
And to allow you to see me.
However, you feel right now in this unsettling and uncertain time your feelings are valid. As my dear friend Anna Pinkerton wisely once told me:
“Feelings can’t be wrong”.