Where to start?
Already I can feel myself going into struggle – at trying to find the “right” way to language how I feel. To write and share the swirl of emotions going around and around: sadness, grief, anger, frustration, peace, love and many more I can’t name.
And mainly sadness – a huge welling of grief as I realise how this virus is opening me up and shining a light on my own core wound in a way that surprises me.
Writing is my go-to for healing.
Through writing I gain clarity. I often never know what I’m about to write when I sit down at my keyboard. So many of my blog posts start out: where to begin? And as I allow the words to flow something appears.
I am taken on a journey, meandering, veering off track as I begin to pull on a thread and explore it.
Writing to you is very different to journaling for myself. And I feel such a strong calling to share my writing.
Yet that calling to share has always been connected to my business. To write blog posts and articles with the purpose of gaining clients.
There’s a structure to such posts – a structure I rebel against. The teenager in me stamps her feet and says “No! I won’t do it”. Yet I know structure supports me.
But what type of structure? As my fingers type I know I am taking you on a walk. A walk through my mind. I don’t know where I’m headed or what the end point will be – all I know is the scenery will be beautiful and there will be something magical at the end.
I want to experience it and I want to share it with you.
My desire to share is huge. It’s an outpouring of love I want to gift to the world.
And I’m afraid.
I’m afraid you won’t like it.
I’m afraid you’ll look at the scenery and won’t see the beauty of a brown ploughed field in the way I do. The luscious richness of the earth being prepared to grow our food. Food that will nourish and sustain us.
I’m afraid I will say something wrong.
That I will be ignorant of how you are feeling right now. That I will be celebrating something that causes you pain. If I were with you I would know your pain – I wouldn’t share the way I see it. I would know that you are hurting and right now you need to feel.
There are two sides to everything. We have a front of a hand and a back of a hand – and we cannot see both at the same time. When we are in pain we want to lash out, vent our hurt.
I get it.
And I want to be that sounding board and be there for you to feel and heal.
Thousands of students have been launched into uncertainty as their exams have been cancelled. Children and teenagers about to leave school, looking forward to the celebrations that accompanying that. All that taken away from them. My heart breaks for them – for their swirl of emotions as they navigate these troubles waters.
And I think of my son. We elected to home school just before he turned 15 because he was struggling so much in school with the looming pressure of GCSE’s. Coronavirus would have been a blessing to him.
Yet how do I write and encompass all sides?
I’ve tried – and I get tangled up in knots. I sit for hours at the keyboard, staring at what I’ve written, editing and re-editing so I don’t offend someone.
I look at it from every angle so I can encompass all perspectives.
And right now as I write I am getting stuck – my words have stopped flowing because I am thinking about how this will be received by someone hurting right now.
I feel a tightness in my chest, I want to cry, I want to run away, abandon this post. Not share it – because what’s the point? It’s just adding to the noise.
The point is I’ve written it to share with you.
Do I abandon it just because it’s a bit rambly, doesn’t go anywhere?
That I shouldn’t bother you with it?
That because it’s a personal musing it’s not appropriate as a blog post? I’m sure there will be many who think I shouldn’t publish this as a blog as it’s not professional.
But when we sell transformation our business and our personal life are so deeply intertwined. I don’t want to have to hide a part of myself because it’s not deemed appropriate.
We live in a world of masks – where we hide how we truly feel because we believe we have to show up a certain way.
12 months ago I made a commitment to be fully seen.
How can I be fully seen if I keep hidden the very part of me that wants to heard?
If I listen to that voice that says “Melina, what are you saying, what’s the purpose of this post?”
There is no purpose other than to share my heart.
And to allow you to see me.
However, you feel right now in this unsettling and uncertain time your feelings are valid. As my dear friend Anna Pinkerton wisely once told me:
“Feelings can’t be wrong”.
You’ve wrote and are being real! This is valuable and I believe when we do so, breaking out of the so called perfection we are also freeing others to be ‘just who they are’ and ‘feel just what they feel’!
It’s so time to take down the walls on all fronts and let others know we are real, we care and still can conduct business or whatever we have a heart to do.
Thank you Cindy. For me my greatest freedom has come from being able to drop the masks and not have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I wore so many masks I didn’t even know who I was any more. And for me it’s so vital to be the change – hearing other people’s journey’s and reading their stories teaches me so much. So I trust that my journey and sharing will help others. And I’m always delighted when I share something that resonates. Thank you for all your comments.
I love your ramblings.
I’m afraid I will say something wrong. – this struck me as the world goes into lockdown and everyone is coping differently.
I’m resilient and believe that all will be ok – different – but ok – BUT only if we all pull together and support each other.
As I write things right now, I wonder who will be offended at my cheerfulness? Who will think I am ok because and shun me?
I have worries too, but I choose to accept what I cannot change and live as normal a life as I can.
Carry on writing 🙂
Thank you so much Dale. I love your cheerfulness. I like you I choose to accept what I cannot change – this is crucial to how we feel and shifts everything I think.
Melina, you’ve expressed so well the angst of a thinker and a writer and a being who feels. Thanks for being real. And your friend is right, “Feelings can’t be wrong”!
Thank you Vaishakhi.
Thanks for your thoughts Melina.
I’m fine. I’m healthy and the daily medicine tablets I take help me function pretty well. I can do the things I want to do until 4 days ago when my wife and I self-isolated. The first 2 days in our “hermitage” were good, everything worked well and no cross words.
The third day was a bit of a challenge, so today is both reflection and action day.
I’m self employed and part-time. To others I’m semi-retired though I never think of retirement. I’ve moved on from one part of my life to another.
You and I met around 9 or 10 years ago, I think, at a coaches marketing / development weekend run by BD near Heathrow Airport.
Since then I’ve used my new coaching skills mostly on a 1-2-1 basis. The big change
was in my mindset with my new skills. I became more of a facilitator and connector and took on 2 part-time roles. Last week I stepped back from one of them and I’m developing the other with a very good national firm.
My family grew so we have 2 grandkids around 16/17 months old in different UK cities. Life is good, then along comes the Covid-19 virus and our world changes.
Day-to-day cooped up at home plays mental tricks on me, probably on others too.
At the end of each day I write up my new diary, giving me a chance to review actions, results, feelings, support for others and more.
Today is about learning to use Zoom effectively, calling clients and colleagues. I’ll do more phone calls each day this week, simply to say hello again, to ask how they are and to see if they would like any support.
It’s about forming new patters of activity including exercise and adjusting each day.
Over years I’ve found that when mentally blocked, moving away from the paperwork or laptop and doing something completely different is key. I’m fortunate to have a garden, so I go for a short wander, maybe 2 or 3 laps of the garden, slowly, taking in the new growth that’s emerging.
There we are. That’s today’s thoughts.
Frank, it’s so wonderful to hear from you and hear how you are. I am glad you are well and taking care of yourself. Congratulations on being a Grandad – how exciting.
It is indeed a time of adjustment and re-assessment. Stay safe and enjoy this time of slowing down and connecting in a different way.