I’ve just received an email from a beautiful soul, someone who I respect and who has taught me a lot. I’ve bought her programmes and think her work is awesome.
Her email was all about alignment and a few years ago this email would have sent me into a tailspin. It would have caused me to doubt myself and the work I was doing. It would have made me want to abandon everything and look for something else to do. Not because of anything she said but because it touched on my core wound.
I saw her as way more qualified than me – and if anyone wanted help getting aligned – they were far better off working with her than with me.
Thankfully I no longer feel this way but I thought I’d share my experience in today’s blog in case it’s supportive to you.
The ways our Core Wound shows up in business
We don’t see the world as it is – we see it through a lens. Everything we experience runs through a filter based on our past, our beliefs, our patterns and our wounds.
When we work on healing our wounds; and stop engaging in behaviour that exacerbates them; our experience of life shifts. This results in other people treating us differently and things that cause us anguish and frustration no longer happen. A part of me thinks it happens like magic but it doesn’t – it’s underpinned by a huge amount of inner work.
My core wound is “I’m not wanted”.
My mother got pregnant by “mistake”. My Dad left when I was 4 to marry another and they had a daughter together. At aged 7 we moved to the other side of the world and apart from one week when he came to visit, I never saw, nor heard from my father again. No Christmas card, no birthday present, no phone calls to see how we were. Nothing.
My tender heart got broken and I concluded that my dad neither loved, nor wanted me (after all he had a new little girl to love). And even though that wasn’t true – that was how I experienced it.
Throughout my life “not wanted” popped up everywhere.
- I was laughed out when I spoke out in class
- No-one wanted to be my friend when I moved schools
- I wouldn’t get invited to birthday parties.
- I wasn’t invited to weddings
- I wasn’t asked to dance at discos
I dare say I could come up with a huge long list of “not wanted” examples.
When I started my business “not wanted” didn’t go away – it got magnified:
- Clients would say no to my offerings.
- My articles would get rejected when I submitted them to online publications
- If I put myself forward as a speaker I’d get knocked back
- I wasn’t included in team meetings or gatherings
- I’d send out a heartfelt email – friends would unsubscribe
- I’d decide on a direction for my business – discover someone else doing the exact same thing and abandon the idea
At the beginning I had no clue that “not wanted” was running the show. I believed I needed to develop a thicker skin so I didn’t feel disappointed all the time.
It was only when I delved deeper did I see what was really going on.
Every time my services were rejected, or someone said no to me I’d feel hurt:
It could be major – like a client pulling out of investing in a high-level programme
Or minor – like someone unsubscribing from my mailing list
However, the truth was – the pain I experienced wasn’t caused by current events – it was being caused by my core wound resurfacing – the pain of abandonment from my father leaving.
The way for me to heal it was not to brush it off with platitudes like “there’s more fish in the sea” or “it’s their stuff”. It was to allow myself to fully feel the hurt.
Was it painful? Yes!
Did it feel like this pain and frustration would never end? Yes!
Did I want it to stop and go away for good? Yes!
But every time I went into the pain instead of pushing it away – my core wound healed a little more.
Now I rarely feel the habitual pain of disappointment.
Is it fully healed? I don’t know.
All I know is that today when I received an email about alignment –I didn’t get triggered by it. I didn’t go down a rabbit hole believing that I can’t talk about alignment because others already are (and they’re better than me).
Instead I trust that what I offer on alignment is different and complimentary to the work of others.
Just like the music industry is filled with many voices and melodies – so is the transformation industry.
My voice is wanted.
Your voice is wanted.
Imagine if there was only one singer for every music genre in the world? Or one book on each topic?
Our experience of life wouldn’t be a very rich or fulfilling one.
It took me a long time before I got that in my bones.
So, if you’re frustrated with events that keep on repeating no matter what you do, or how many strategies you try – it might not be what you’re doing. Instead it might be your core wound resurfacing. Heal that and your whole experience of business shifts.